Chris' Story
A love story. No one tells you loves stories actually aren’t straight forward. I mean, we see it, you know, in the movies - all those dreamy highs and lows. But in real life, it utterly sucks. It’s not cute. And working out yourself - who we are at our core - is more than half the battle. Perhaps it is The Battle. But, a battle well worth it.
‘I was forgetting who I was’
Q
What was the catalyst for deciding something had to happen? Why did you start Ouching It?
A
I was up for pursuing a relationship that didn’t work out. I was gutted and actually my world was a bit shaken by it.
In the process of relationships I was having, I was losing something of myself and I was forgetting who I was. I’d leave feeling like I didn’t even know who I was. On one hand I really knew I was made to be a dad, and a husband and that I had a lot of love to give.
That sounds selfless, but that’s fulfilling to me. It’s how I am the most me - by helping other people to be the most themselves. That feeds through to every part of my life.
I was in my mid-30’s but actually felt so far away from being married or even being with someone.
I realised I had to do something different and that what I had done before didn’t work. What I mean by that is I was attracted to the wrong people, and directing my attention and energy in the wrong place to begin with. I was going to a counsellor and he said something to me that really stuck - he said I needed to be my own ship and that I needed someone who was their own ship too; and that I can’t be the rudder for someone else’s ship. The thing is, I really care about people and I like helping people thrive, but that was getting me into trouble in romantic relationships.
Alice, another friend, said something like: ‘Chris, you don’t want someone to be like a hot and cold tap. You want someone who is hot all the time.’ And the essence of what she was saying was I needed someone who loves me for who I am, and is for me, and that would enable me to be myself.
So, it was this process of shifting some of the focus back to myself which meant I can still love and serve someone, but in a healthy relationship some of that love and service comes back in the other direction.
That was massive.
Q
What happened and how did you Ouch It?
A
I don’t want this to be a story of like - ‘I was all wrong and then suddenly, I made a different decision and life was amazing or anything like that…’
[lols. Yes Chris. We know that. But go on ;) ]
A big piece of Ouching It in this area of relationships, was working out who I was related to my job and my direction for life. It was realising that I was actually made to do some great things. For a long time, I thought that when a relationship works out - when I get married - everything else will make sense. I realised I actually needed to make some decisions for myself, and part of that was figuring out who I was.
I guess my Ouching It looked like going to a counsellor to figure out who I was. Out of that, and over time, I realised I wanted to go into coaching, so it looked like pursuing education in that field. Also, in my current job I took on more responsibility, and stepped into the fact that I’m a leader. In the past, I’d have looked for direction to come from somewhere else, whereas I was making choices toward the things I wanted.
As it relates to dating… well, the thought of internet dating made me sick, to be honest. I didn’t want to meet ‘my person’ that way; I thought it should happen the same as everyone else I knew. It felt like part of me had some shame about putting myself out there in that way. I thought that I’d tried it ‘the normal way’ and that didn’t work out, and that by internet dating I’d have to do something that was ‘second best.’
And so, what I did was I ended up going on the cheesiest dating website. I had heard about a new dating app that was coming out and I thought - that’s something I can do, but I knew it wasn’t coming out for a few months, and I knew I needed to take action sooner than that.
Before I went on the new app, I went on what seemed like this ridiculous website and I had to face that shame head on, and put myself out there. It still makes me feel a bit sick when I think about it, but a big part of that enabled me - when the new app came out - to go on it, and I was able to be like: I’m okay. I’m great.
Also, Ouching It in this area of relationships looked like me needing to say no to some stuff. I actively needed to say no to some things in my mind, because I was now aware of what I was attracted to in the past and I needed to make a conscious effort to choose to go in a direction that was different from the past.
Q
Who did you Ouch It with and what did that look like?
A
With the dating app stuff, well a friend James and I would have debriefing sessions and be accountable to each other - like, ‘I reached my swipe limit, not ideal.’ Ha! We processed together. Drank whisky. Just encouraged each other in the process.
I had friends who simply said - it’s gonna be good Chris, friends who were excited for me. When I get stuck in the detail, and I didn’’t know how things will go, I had friends who would be like, ‘Chris, I can’t wait to see what’s in store for you’. I had friends who could see the bigger picture, bigger horizons, so when I got stuck looking down and uncertain about what to do - because frankly it would be terrifying at times - they could encourage me.
There were friends who knew me and loved me, and they almost knew what I needed more than what I knew I needed. My housemates also helped recognize a good thing when they saw it, and helped me step toward it. That very good thing was Jess, and they helped me to keep stepping into it.
Q
What changed after you Ouched it?
A
I thought that life would only start when I met someone, and I now know it doesn’t work like that. I’d be hesitant in the past about choices, uncertain. So, like making a choice about buying a house, I’d be totally uncertain.
But now that I’m not living in that illusion that life begins when you find someone, I get to make positive steps forward every day.
The best part of that is now I’m actually able to do that with someone else, but it’s just now in a totally different way that wouldn’t have been possible before. Before I would have been serving someone else’s vision - ‘What’s your vision for life, and how can I serve that vision?’, whereas actually the reality is now we get to have a joint vision for life. I get to have mine, they get to have theirs, and we get to do it together.
That, for me, is way more exciting.
The reality is sometimes I am not the nicest person, but now I’m not worried about someone else rejecting me in those moments - I’m not worried about their love being conditional. It doesn’t mean I can be not-nice on purpose, but I’m not afraid of rejection because of it.
Also, I don’t think I would have explored coaching the way I have.
I guess there’s just an ease about life. I knew what it was like to be anxious before in a relationship and it’s not like I don’t ever have anxiety, but the level of steadiness and the stability that has developed is something I probably didn’t know before.
My natural persona is really laid back. I sort of thought life would happen for me or to me, and it would be in a positive way. And there was a shift in a realisation that I can still be laid back - and it’s not like you know exactly what’s gonna happen - but you start to put some of the building blocks in place (which doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me) but then, when you do and you see results, it’s really encouraging.
Q
Where are you at now?
A
So there’s a really obvious answer and I don’t want to give just the obvious answer...
So. I get married in less than a month and we move into our house together... so that’s the cheese answer.
[laughs]
But obviously really good.
So for me, I’m excited about the next month. But I’m more excited about how we build a future together - what are our dreams, passions, and how do we invest in the places we live? And how we get to love our community really well and build a home together - that’s what we’re excited about.
And actually, one of the things Jess and I feel called to, is hospitality. What does that look like for us? How do we make sure we have time to do that, not just for friends, but for the community and neighbors for whom life maybe hasn’t been straightforward and really serve them.
That’s where I’m at now.
Q
What do you think is going to happen? *At Ouching It we like to hear about where people imagine or think they'll be in the future related to the topic they're sharing
A
There’s an element where… actually, when I think about Ouching It, I’m like - I’m not done with that. I need to do that more. I think about my work, and I think about relationships with my family, and I think I need to do more Ouching It in those places.
I know I’m made to be good at connection and relationships and helping people thrive. I’ve seen that now, in terms of relationship. Our family conversations are light and fun and easy and yet life’s not always light and fun and easy - so there’s a journey there, but I know there’s fruit when we jump in.
So yeah, the other side is me having even more clarity around direction, purpose, and being okay and able to say, ask for a pay raise - if I think that’s right. Like stupid stuff like that, which actually is important. I think growing more and more in confidence in who I am and the value I bring. Not in a big-headed way, but in a self-confident way, ‘This is who I am.’
‘Cover yourself with hope and surround yourself with people who have hope.’
Q
What encouragement would you give someone who is considering Ouching It?
A
My Ouching It encouragement would be that it’s not necessarily easy, it’s never the easy path, it’s not the path of least resistance.
It’s easy to look at other people and assume they got there and that it was easy. That might have been their story. But I think people who have journeyed the farthest have been through the most and kept a hope-filled perspective.
Cover yourself with hope and surround yourself with people who have hope. To me, hope is that the end will always be good. It might be hard at the minute but the end will be good.
And for me, sometimes my horizon might be the next two minutes, that’s fine. Or, the next 30 seconds. But with hope, the horizon starts to lift. Sometimes when you’re in the midst of the challenge and you don’t know how it all fits together or it all works, but you can just look at the next two minutes and it’s gonna be okay in those two minutes, the horizon starts to lift.
I’ve always had hope, even when there’s times that there is a voice saying it won’t work out. On the flip side, I have people who remind me who I am, who say, ‘I know you don’t feel it, but this is what is true about you’ - people who reflect back and remind me of who I am.
I’d advise people to go for it. But I think more than go for it, actually surround yourself by people who remind you who you are and call you to higher and to better places than you’re accustomed to. Ultimately it’s your choice - no one else can do that bit for you.
Q
What’s your Ouching It anthem? What song would be on your Ouching It playlist?
A
Ha! I’ve got three. Actually 4.
I’m more of a tune man, than a lyrics man.
During that time I would have definitely been listening to a lot of Maggie Rogers, and she is probably angsty in some ways, but it always felt quite hopeful. I think always find something hopeful, but also something that helps you process, so maybe Maggie Rogers, Light On.
I was also looking back, and one of the best songwriters, I think, of our time is a Northern Irish man called Iain Archer. He used to be in Snow Patrol, and he’s written some massive tunes over the last ten years for other artists, but one of my favourite lines from one of his songs which is called Everest is: ‘Some other day, when my morning comes, I’ll be the one that’s waited all night.’ In times when things aren’t perfect just yet, I also know that when the morning comes, it will be totally worth it.
And the third one is by The Tin Cans…. I can’t remember what the song’s called. And the line of one of their songs is ‘We will not be disappointed, when we get out of this place. So I’m not disappointed now.’
And I also listened to loads of Beka in HONNE’s, Crying Over You. I love it, it’s such a tune.
Chris’ Tunes
Maggie Rogers - Lights On
Iain Archer - Everest
The Tin Cans - Here
HONNE (feat. Beka) - Crying Over You
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Looking for a coach?
Chris is a great one.
chris@sparkworks.org.uk
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photo cred.
Deborah Grace Photography
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